The Myth of a Hero
Let’s rip off the bandaid: Christopher Columbus wasn’t the saint your fifth-grade textbook sold you.
Our dear Cristóbal Colón — yes, that’s his actual name — wasn’t discovering new worlds; he was crashing into other people’s homes and calling it destiny.
The cat’s out of the bag, amigos: Columbus did some nasty stuff — the kind that would get you banned from every Airbnb on the planet.
And yet, somehow, he still gets parades, statues, and a long weekend in his honor.
¡Qué viva la hipocresía!
Chris: How to Be a Jerk Explorer
You’ve heard the name. You’ve seen the statues.
Every October, someone dusts off the myth of “the brave explorer who discovered America.”
But here’s the Columbus Day truth: this so-called hero was less an explorer and more of a jerk explorer — the kind of guy who’d plant a flag in your yard, steal your food, and call it a “civilization upgrade.”
Before you grab your best frying pan and go on a righteous mission to “educate” your elementary school teacher this Monday, October 13, relax — the school’s closed anyway.
It’s Columbus Day (or, depending on where you live, Indigenous People’s Day — a.k.a. the upgrade humanity needed five centuries too late).
The Classroom Legend
Every fall, as pumpkin spice fills the air and kids zip up their hoodies, American classrooms rehearse the same old myth:
“In fourteen hundred ninety-two, Columbus sailed the ocean blue…”
Cute rhyme, tragic backstory.
Teachers still tell tales of a noble explorer who “discovered” America — as if the people living there just hadn’t noticed the continent yet. Columbus didn’t find a new world; he found millions of existing ones and decided to rename them.
His mission? “To bring civilization and Christianity.”
Translation: to conquer, convert, and collect.
But sure — let’s put him on a pedestal and give everyone the day off.
The Salesman of the Seas
Enter Christopher Columbus — Cristóbal Colón to his friends (and creditors).
The “brave explorer” your fifth-grade class called a hero was, in reality, a world-class lobbyist. For eight long years, he bounced between the royal courts of Spain and Portugal, pitching his grand idea like a medieval startup founder: “Invest in me, and I’ll find you a shortcut to Asia — with extra gold and souls on the side!”
Finally, King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella said,
“Alright, fine. Here’s the money. Bring us gold, glory, and—if it’s not too much trouble—a few slaves.”
And just like that, Columbus set sail — not as a visionary explorer, but as a salesman with a cross in one hand and a contract in the other.
Welcome to 1492
Let’s put his so-called “heroic” journey in context.
This was 1492, an era when people thought bathing was suspicious, believed the earth was smaller than their ego, and punished curiosity with fire.
Europe was a place where men wore tights, priests sold salvation, and women were literally locked into metal underwear — because, you know, trust issues.
Hygiene was optional. Patriarchy was mandatory.
And in the middle of that chaos, Columbus sailed off — not into the unknown, but into someone else’s world, armed with ambition and divine permission slips.
A true hero? Only if pillaging, enslaving, and rebranding other people’s homes as “discoveries” fits the job description.
Compared to Today, We Look…
… Moderately Civilized!
Before we get too smug about modern life, let’s remember: the 1400s weren’t exactly the golden age of empathy.
Forget safe spaces, diversity quotas, or gender equality — this was the tail end of the Medieval Era, where “progress” meant burning fewer witches that year.
Europe was basically a group project gone wrong: plague, superstition, and kingdoms fighting over who God loved more. People prayed, killed, and colonized — often in that order.
The Original Cancel Culture
Justice back then didn’t come with hashtags. It came with tools.
For women, there were Breast Rippers — yes, actual iron claws designed to “correct” adultery or gossip.
For men, there was the rack, stretching limbs until your sins (and bones) came apart.
It was an era where morality was preached from the pulpit but practiced in the shadows — priests whispering confessions by day, and maybe collecting indulgences of a different kind by night.
So when we call Columbus a “man of his time,” let’s be clear: that time was savage, superstitious, and soaked in hypocrisy. (Well, we have not changed that much, anyways).
Parrot’s History!
Most people don’t really learn about Christopher Columbus — they repeat him.
A script memorized since kindergarten: “He sailed, he found, he discovered.”
It’s the same song, different bird. 🦜
Generation after generation, parrots of history echo the tale without chewing on it.
They do as they’re told, collecting their paycheck and brunching in peace —
because questioning the myth might ruin the avocado toast.
The Divine PR Campaign
The real story, though?
Chrissy-Poo didn’t sail under divine light — he sailed under a marketing plan.
Centuries later, he still basks in the glow of sainthood, framed as “chosen by God” to civilize the so-called New World.
But every parade, every statue, every “day off” in his name is a torpedo straight through the heart of the people he enslaved and erased.
It’s not celebration; it’s amnesia with confetti.
Fantasy or Reality?
You know how every culture has its feel-good lies?
The guy with the red suit and white beard who breaks into homes to reward “good behavior.”
Or that bunny who somehow lays eggs and sneaks around like a chocolate ninja.
We smile, play along, and call it tradition.
The Legend of Chris Columbus
Christopher Columbus belongs in that same club of beloved make-believe characters — except his story comes with ships, swords, and slavery.
No candy, no chimney, no sleigh — just propaganda with a flag on top.
He’s been passed down for generations, polished by textbooks and parades until the truth got edited out.
Shared like a viral video before “going viral” was even a thing.
A “hero”? Not quite.
More like history’s best-marketed scumbag — proof that if you repeat a lie for 500 years, it eventually earns a holiday.
Thanks, Truth, See You Again Soon…
There’s been no shortage of scholars, indigenous voices, and truth-tellers waving the red flag on the Columbus bedtime story. You know the one: where Chris and his massive crew “discovered” a land already full of people, shared snacks with the locals, and built a cross together under the tropical sun.
Right. And I’m the Queen of Spain.
That myth — the one about him founding the continent and bringing “civilization” — is the biggest case of historical catfishing ever told. But hey, if you repeat a lie long enough, you eventually get a federal holiday and a few parades.
The Blood Under the Gravy
In reality, Columbus and his boys went full medieval mode: rape, torture, enslavement, pillaging, and a casual side of smallpox. If they ever sat down for a communal dinner, it wasn’t to pass the turkey — it was to plan who gets to own whom next.
And honestly, nobody likes blood and death on their mashed potatoes. That’s not the kind of brown gravy Americans signed up for. Even Jesus would’ve noped out of that dinner party faster than you can say “manifest destiny.”
(Trust me, I text him sometimes.)
Indigenous People’s Day: Bye (F-U Chris!)
So, Columbus Day is slowly sailing off the edge of the map — fitting, since Chris thought the Earth was smaller than his ego. Cities like Los Ángeles, Denver, Minneapolis y Seattle have officially jumped ship and renamed it Día de los Pueblos Indígenas.
To them, Christopher Columbus is un pendejo con mapa malo y moral peor. But hey, whether you’re shouting “¡Arriba los pueblos!” or just thrilled to stay in bed with your café con leche, you still get the day off. Disfrútalo, mijo.
Keeping the Lie Afloat
Still, plenty of schools, businesses, and whole estados keep polishing that old myth like abuela’s silverware — shiny on the outside, but oxidized with denial. They’ll teach the same heroic cuento, hang the same portraits, and pretend the bloodstains are just “decorative history.”
Because nothing screams “tradition” like ignoring genocide for a long weekend and calling it “patriotism.” Qué lindos, ¿no?
The Ships and the Scallywags
The Niña, the Pinta, and the Santa María: three ships carrying a dirt-faced crew of hungover scallywags, crawling with disease, superstition, and way too much religious fervor. 🦜
As the furry-faced hombres dragged themselves ashore, they shouted, “¡Eureka! Land HO!” — probably the first time in history anyone celebrated sand, bugs, and uncertainty so loudly.
Time to Seek and Destroy
Then he appeared: the mighty explorer, pale, ragged, smelling like bathtub gin, and ready to conquer. He stepped onto the firm, fertile land — God’s country, or at least what he thought was God’s country.
And in true KDF fashion, he took a moment, sniffed the air, and thought: “Time to seek and destroy.”
The rest, mis amigos, is what we call history:
enslavement, pillage, and rewriting the map — all while Europe sipped its wine and clapped.
Compassion for Chris?
Okay, fine. Maybe you want to hate Columbus. Finger-wagging, angry memes, TikTok rants — go for it. And rightly so. He and his crew did some terrible things.
Or… you could just shrug, take a deep breath, and say: “This happened. It’s history. Hopefully we don’t repeat it.” People are messy, mis amigos. Always have been, always will be.
Poor Chris, or Just the Empire’s Spawn?
Was Columbus all evil? Probably not. Look at the world he was born into: the Great Spanish Empire, a land of conquest, plunder, and divine entitlement. Poor Chris was just trying to survive… and make a name for himself while he was at it.
Are we really without sin? No somos perfectos, mijo. History might be messy, but so are humans. And sometimes the “villain” is just the product of a very broken system — one with ships, swords, and really bad PR.
Choose Your Own Adventure!
What will you choose to honor this Columbus/Indigenous People’s Day? How about celebrating the third-most studied language on the planet?
400 million native speakers, 9 million who speak it as a second language… Spanish, baby! The language of LOVE, Romance, and MONEY. 💃💸
Level Up Your Spanish
At Kasa De Franko Spanish School (in-person or online), we’ll get your speaking skills up to speed fast.
What matters most? Being able to communicate effectively, think in Spanish, and enjoy all the little perks that come with knowing the language. Porque hablar español abre puertas, mis amigos.
Celebrate History, Your Way
Maybe we can toast the holiday with a little alcohol and loosen our tongues — so you can speak Spanish better than ever before.
Savor the day, make it yours, and let us know if you’re interested in Spanish lessons at Kasa De Franko. Based in the Bay Area (San Jose) and online worldwide, we offer fun, affordable, and practical lessons tailored to your needs.
Be happy and always remember… life’s too short not to laugh, learn, and speak español like a boss. 😎
