Santa Clause brought more than presents this Christmas. He brought disease. Well, not him specifically (depending on who you talk to), but we have to blame somebody, right?
As the snow melted, and the beauty of the Spring fell upon the United States, so too did stone-faced coronavirus briefings, wild conspiracy theories, and life-on-house arrest for all skin-people.
On February 2, 2020, the first coronavirus death was reported outside of China, and most of us felt the shit filling our intestines tobogganing toward our exit-hole. It wasn’t until February 29 that the first death in the U.S. came. The day the shit hit the pants.
When the coronavirus was isolated in China, we were left to stem our boredom by watching non-American people hurl themselves from buildings, being bolted shut into their homes by Chinese authorities, and being informed by drones to put a mask on and go inside. Looked like something from a Quentin Tarantino movie, no big deal.
We peered through the looking glass at our fellow Earth inhabitants safely in our homes, still rubbing our face, mouth, and genitals without realizing, the surge was sure to hit home (and not just our eyeballs).
A couple of months later (or was it five), the country shut down. There was a collective “oh shit” moment, as a volcano of shit erupted in trousers worldwide. We were on alert: Full of shit and short on solutions.
Dealing with the Boredom
Well, there may be another month or more of this, so you might as well find more ways to deal with it. Here are a few ideas.
When it comes to essential businesses, don’t discount your nearby liquor store or gas station. Sure the bars may be closed, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have an isolation party with you, yourself, and Irony. They say only addicts drink alone, but I disagree. Survivors drink alone in the age of corona! While you can’t breathe, drool, and grope your companions (or fellow strangers) on a steamy dance floor, you can at least eat a full box of baked cheese-pretzels and not have to share a single one or hear the drunken confessions of a mentally unstable person all evening.
The threat of death and fear of losing everything is a bit much, don’t you think? Even if you don’t believe, fold your hands and pray to Jesus right now. Ask him for forgiveness, strength, a new lay, or an anonymous black bag delivery of your favorite nighttime toy to please your aching loins in this desperate night. If you don’t believe in Jesus, then enjoy Hell! I am kidding about that. Still, prayer is a bit forced, so just close your eyes and feel the inner nothingness and enjoy the free unlimited peace.
3. Making Fake Social Media Accounts
It was between this and spinning in place until you pass out and enter a three-month coma. My suggestion: Take the extra time on your hands and create an alter ego. Be anyone you want to be, use a deep fake image and develop conversations with random strangers. Download one of the thousands of new media apps, watch as people can’t get enough of themselves livestream, and find companionship in a random stranger. Only show them your dick or titties if they say ok.
4. Eating & Cooking
You’ve watched enough Food Network now to possess great culinary prowess. Use that knowledge you learned to go beyond the microwave burrito and create something spectacular. Brussel sprouts with orange marmalade and sliced figs? Paprika sprinkled on fresh lime straight to the eye? You are feeding yourself like a pig in a gestation crate until the man with the gun says its time. I suggest limiting your pork intake and not playing with your sausage with unclean hands.
5. Learning a New Language
Whether it’s Swahili, English, or Spanish, a new language can open up your perspective of the inhabitants of the world and their experiences. Language touches on so many aspects of our experience and is a living organism that always moves, breathes, and feels. Now, more than ever, we need a new language for life, which expands our limitations and helps us cope and connect.
People think it’s so hard and freak out, but you didn’t learn your native language overnight. Think about that. The greatest thing about language IS that it allows us to connect in ways we never thought possible. Now is a time we need that bond to strengthen and protect ourselves, grow and expand.
At Kasa De Franko Spanish School in the Bay Area, we provide exceptional instruction, student-centered activities, and small classroom sizes so each student gets the attention they deserve—either online or in person. Due to Covid-19, we are offering only online lessons but with the same individualized attention for each of our students. After June, we will possibly go back to offer our in-person classes while continuing teaching online.
Combine 1 & 5: Drinking & Learning Spanish
You should try some of our Free Lessons in any of our many social events to PRACTICE YOUR SPANISH. Yes! We offer Social Mingling Online (Some of them cost $00.00) in which our motto is “More Alcohol, Better Spanyol”. What are you waiting for? Get a beer or two and join us online. Disclaimer: You don’t have to drink alcohol to be part of these events. You can drink milk, tea, chocolate, coffee, disinfectant (as suggested by our president) or whatever you prefer.
We offer many varieties of classes, and even a quarantine special for us on lockdown. KDF Spanish School (online and in-person) is the best way to learn how to speak the language of love. For Franko, owner, and teacher, he cares deeply about each student and constructs a plan to accelerate their learning. He also makes a lot of jokes, so bring a tissue box.
Keep your pants clean and your fiber high. We will get through this.
Don’t just speak Spanish! Think in Spanish!
Don’t just learn Spanish! Embrace the Spanish Culture!