The cat’s out of the bag: Christopher Columbus ain’t exactly the hero he’s made out to be. In fact, he did some awful things yet is praised as some kind of God. If you heard all the dirty details about our old pal Chris, and are festering in anger, take a moment to breathe. And before bringing your best frying pan to a former elementary school for a “visit” to your 5th-grade teacher this Monday, October 14, know that the institution will be closed for Columbus Day (depending on what city you reside in).
Yes, for most in America, the tradition of honoring a man whose goals were to conquer indigenous people and convert them to Christianity continues year after year. Annually, around early fall, as the kids get their hoodies on and wear their Hello Kitty socks, they are told of a brave and noble explorer who founded the Americas.
This brave man they are told was Christopher Columbus, a true hero. A hero that persistently lobbied the royal courts in Spain and Portugal for 8 years before King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella said, “here’s a bunch of money, go and get us some more money and power. Slaves, too, please.” That was in 1492 when people took poops in holes, probably ate it too, like rabbits, and put steel underwear on women with a lock and key.
Compared to today, we look moderately civilized.
See, the 1400s wasn’t about safe spaces, diversity, or equality for all—No. This was the end of the Medieval Era! When society used “Breast Rippers” to punish women who committed adultery or some other “crime.” A period when men would be stretched out on a rack and tortured until his limbs were looser than a criminal catholic priest’s morals for yanking one-off in the alley.
For most people, the story of Christopher Columbus is regurgitated history by parrots that know no better. These parrots do what their told by their masters so they can receive their pittance and eat avocado toast in peace. The stories are wrong, however, because Chrissy-Poo is a star basking in the shining light of God’s favor–and a day off in his name is a giant torpedo into the heart of the indigenous people’s that were brutalized.
Fantasy or Reality?
Like Mister white beard-fat belly Chris Cringle or that giant rabbit that breaks into homes to give gifts, Christopher Columbus ain’t really who he’s painted out to be. And he doesn’t leave candy in eggs or somehow squeezes his unhealthy fat-ass into chimneys and watch kids while they sleep. But he’s been shared like a viral video, portrayed like a hero when he’s really a scumbag. Anyone else come to mind that’s like that?
Thanks, Truth, See You Again Soon…
There have been many scholars, indigenous people, and others that have exposed the unflattering lie about Mr. Columbus (and his massive crew) playing gently with all the native people of the “New World”—the myth that HE founded the continent and played pattycake with the children of the natives. Nope, that’s a ton of bullshit.
Columbus and his crew raped, tortured, enslaved, pillaged, and killed off with disease and violence the indigenous people rather cruelly. So what if they had a communal dinner where they passed the turkey and sweet corn if the result was a bunch of rape and mass murder? Nobody likes blood and death on their potatoes, do they? That’s not the brown gravy we Americans appreciate—and Jesus wouldn’t of approved of all that bloodshed either. I know, I have a direct line with the guy.
Indigenous People’s Day: Bye (F-U Chris!)
So, now Columbus Day is disappearing and being replaced by many with a new name: Indigenous People’s Day. Los Angles, Denver, Minneapolis, Seattle, and more cities and towns have officially made the change. To them, Christopher Columbus is a stinky bandejo! But whether or not you care or whatever choose to believe, you’ll still get the day off school or work all the same, so enjoy it!
Regardless of this Christopher Sailorman and his deeds done dirt cheap, there are businesses, universities, colleges, towns, cities, states, counties, and school districts that are going to get force-fed the same good-old’ story and just keep the lie alive.
In a Nutshell
The Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria: And a dirt-faced crew of hungover scallywags infested with disease and religious fervor. As the furry-faced men pulled ashore, they cried Eureka, land HO!” And then HE, the mighty explorer, pale and ragged, stepped from his ship onto the firm and fertile land—God’s country. He took a stiff swig of bathtub gin and smelled blood in the air. “Time to seek and destroy,” he said. The rest, my friends, is history.
Compassion for Chris?
You can choose to hate Columbus and wag your finger at his (and his crews) awful deeds or accept that this happened, and it’s history—and hopefully, it doesn’t get repeated again. People are people after all, and we’ve come a long way since then, right? I’m sure Christopher Columbus wasn’t all evil—look at the culture he was born into—the Great Spanish Empire. Poor Chris did what he could to survive, and make a name for himself. Are we not without sin?
Choose Your Own Adventure
What will you choose to honor this upcoming Columbus/Indigenous People’s Day? How about celebrating the third-most studied language on planet Earth! 400 million native speakers and 9 million who speak it as a second language. Spanish baby, the language of LOVE and Romance and MONEY.
At Kasa De Franko Spanish School (both in-person and online), we will get your speaking skills up to speed fast! What’s most important is that you can communicate effectively, can THINK in Spanish, and ENJOY the privileges that come with learning the language.
Maybe we can celebrate the good and bad of history with some alcohol! And loosen our tongues so you can speak even better Spanish than you ever thought!
Savor the holiday and make it your own. Let us know of your interest in Spanish Lessons at Kasa De Franko. We are stationed in the Bay Area (San Jose) and worldwide (online) for fun, affordable, and useful Spanish-speaking lessons tailored to fit your needs!